I shared my life story with some friends and Now my new heart wants to share it with all as a testimony of the Almighty and His love for all of us !!!

This may put a new twist for you on the saying " How can God save a wretch like me " , and maybe help those that are confused to see that God is NOTHING but pure LOVE and that we are all SAVED by LOVE , His LOVE !!!!!!
 
This starts out with me responding to questions I had posted earlier and the responses I received from friends (I know them by their LOVE) , and that later responded with GREAT LOVE , and my heart realized that maybe others might be blessed by my story , it is my only motive for sharing what God freely gave me , and now I give it to you with all my heart .


saturday , 2:21 am , and i am just now seeing this post and threads , what the hell ,hahahahahaha , Oh well , A thousand times better late then never .!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First let me say , I read from top to bottom , and I wish I understood everything I read , hahahahahahah , seriously though , I really do . Why , because I did not disagree with anything said , just wish I understood it better . So here , a few questions addressed to all on this post(cause I feel nothing but love from yous and therefore KNOW that truth resides in all of you), first question or statement is , The Holy Ghost (Does one have to speak in tongues to know that the Holy ghosts resides in one self) Personally , I don't think so . I think that I have been led to know that nothing exists that is real except unconditional love for all , That I have reached a place in my life where I understand every one because of what I had to learn threw my own humanity , a humanity so weak that I don't understand why I am still alive (I am not trying to say I had it worst then any of you or anyone for that matter , but I will say that in all my travels I have very rarely met people that were more messed up then I was , that simply was my experience , anyway , that is how it felt , believe it or not ) and my self hatred and my absolute conviction that I carried around for 30 years that I was a vessel only fitted for destruction , that I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I would never ever have a decent relationship with any one was all I knew . so if 40 years of clinical depression in continuous cycles was not enough to wreck any love I found with women , add addiction to anything that felt good mixed with self-condemnation or at the time plain condemnation from the God of religion , with being the not so smart emotionally disturbed teenager that kids loved to make fun off , and 50 years of being alone with my true feelings and here walks in Brother Gary Sigler !!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehehehehehhe !!!
Before I get to Gary ... let me just add to my past , that all I said was just a inkling of all I have suffered , I could write a book on suffering (okay , you can shut up now Frank). On the good side of that experience , I had to say I am sorry to people so many times and learn to take responsibility for myself so many times in my life that my ego had to a good degree received a good amount of peeling !!!
So I started to listen to Gary on his website , and learning about LOVE and God and LOVE , and that God LOVES me , understands me , and nothing else , period !!!! And at first I did not understand it , it took a long time , hell I am still learning today !!! But it has been a total transformation(not complete , for all of us , I think , yet !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) from what I use to know . But it was so hard at first to reverse 50 years . I was hearing Gary , but did not understand a lot still . I had in my moments of decent psychological cycles periods of going to Church (Grace gospel church) in West palm beach , florida , pastored by Brother Bennie Skinner , starting at age 20 , introduced there by my first wife who left me after 3 months when she realized that I was crazy (Cried tears of blood daily for 2 years over that one)Finally cursed God and went to north Carolina hoping to be picked up by satanists(that never came threw ,thank God), but anyway back at beginning (Was raised catholic), and at Brother Bennies at age 20(sorry for going all over the place), I was baptized and then they laid hands on me and prayed that I receive the Holy Ghost , that would have been evident by speaking in tongues , and that never happened . Well threw the years of me cycling in and out of depression and going in and out of church , not being able to speak in tongues just added to the growing conviction that I was a vessel created by God but only fit for destruction . (My cycles of depression started at age 9 , and were very distinctively marked by periods of me feeling good for 3 to 6 months with periods of utter depression from 1 to 2 years , and when I was good , I was real good , would pick up relationship and good jobs only for them to be destroyed by cycles , and that is what contributed to my KNOWING that I would never have a normal relationship , ever ) I was homeless eating out of dumpsters , or living in the car I had bought when I was good , to bad I did not have any gas . unable to maintain a job , I found myself signing up for indigent drug and alcohol long term treatments 3-4 times (I liiterally don't remember everything ) Even did a stint in jail over an unpaid traffic ticket and having nowhere to go , opted to just stay there , and a few weeks later found my self in a mental hospital on suicide watch , was not suicidal though (Go figure, hahahahaha) ................ I finally did get clean and sober at age 30 , and that lasted for almost 20 years , met my second wife in Florida (after coming back from almost 2 years of drug and alcohol rehab in California where I had hit rock bottom for the , I don't know how many times ) . so we married at age 32 she was 25 and she was as messed up (but differently , not for me to talk about her , other then that , I will say that both of us have always had hearts of gold , but her more then me ), and to this day 20 years later we still live together , but rocky does not begin to describe it . She had me leave once for a year and a half once , and the day before the divorce was to happen we got back together , a few years later we moved to Georgia , that was 7 years ago , and twice since then did I get kicked out , and under the threat of asking me to leave again , I asked for a divorce , which we got about 4 months ago , but ironically we have never gotten along better and I never had to leave , we truly threw it all have become best friends . And my step son , hers from beginning and mine when from his tender years of 4 have never got along better either . And you would think that it had something to do with divorce , but the truth is that for a year and a half , I am being healed by the love of God . The divorce had nothing to do with it . We were never meant to be married to start with , that was just 2 messed up people keeping each other company . But the friendship we have now , I would not trade for nothing . She has had the worst un-imaginable nurological condition for 15 years , 23 days out of the month with migraines where the pain and lack of oxygen in her brain would render her unable to walk , talk coherently , or have a life , and the untreatable pain(Complicated migraine , or BAM , or Basilar artery migraines , where the effective migraine medicines would kill her) , Finally the last 3 year are a little better and of less duration because of seizure drug(Forgot to mention that) , but now MS and RA are picking up to continue the horror . And she knows that I will never leave her , nor I have ever left her for that all along , I never left her side , and many many tears did I shed with her . And yet we are friends and she is my widow , kind of , Life made her a widow , and I am here for her , I love her so much . ..........So where the hell was I , hahahahahah , if you even still reading . Before I move on , sorry , just want to add one thing , is that , threw out our marriage I continued to cycle . We lost a house once , defaulted because I got so bad , I could not go to work and landed in a mental hospital again , after that I was able to pull it together just enough to at least maintain work , but at great struggles . She always saw me for having a disease , it was very hard for her , but she never hated me for it and even though I got out of control (mood and verbal abuse) and had to kick me out a few times , she always loved me . Verbal towards my step son to , she had to intervene . But both knew how much I loved them to . Now my son 23 , a rookie police officer(pined- up anger maybe , but with a heart of gold I tell you , takes after his mom and me to ) I can't tell you how many times I have told them both that I was sorry , and meant it , and that is the main reason that he does not hate me , that in the end I always said , it's not you , but me that was wrong , and we also had great periods .
........................ Okay , we are almost done !!!!!! So Gary is preaching , and I am still not speaking in tongues and my thinking of myself toward God is still not redressed , and I am still struggling to overcome one of the addiction I have gave into ALL my life , since age 9(Porn)(Sorry ladies, so offensive , I know)(It has been a cruel slave master) . And now comes 6 medical operations in the space of 3 months , and I am on so many pain killers , and abusing them , and then came in the middle of a depression cycle , withdrawals , never mind that at this point I have been suffering from nightmares for years , but now my nightmares are more hurtful to me than ever , constantly reliving the most hurtful feelings of self-hate from my life colored in new circumstances , where the whole world is laughing at me , and demons swallowing me , horror movies don't do these nightmares justice . And I kept listening to Gary , But , still very confused and at that point still not understanding that I was not a vessel fit for destruction , combined with the nightmares , and a life time of failures , I winded up in the garage with a noose around my neck , looking for a good spot to tie the other end . AND right there came the clearest moment of my life . I saw on one hand all the evil from my life and the conviction that I had about God , and on the other hand I saw and felt all the love I had seen in my life , from my wife , to disney movies , to stars , to deers , to my cat , to all the people that loved me , to my son , to the sunshine , and most of all to those moments in my life where I felt indescribable love in my heart . And just as I had cursed him once , I told him that I did not care if He hated me anymore , that I loved Him anyway , That I would always love Him , that He could do with me as he thought was best for me , even if it meant destroying me , that He knew best . And it became so clear a separation in my mind , how that only what was in my right hand mattered anymore , love . what was in my left hand completely lost its appeal that night .............. That was a year ago . Today , I don't even recognize who I use to be . I have not taken depression medicine since then , have had just a few days feeling depressed . Continued listening to Gary , and now I just skip the part about the Holy ghost , but have enjoyed more love in my heart on a daily basis , love for others like I could not ever imagined , love for God , and more moments of pure joy in my life , I love life today , have a friend today for the first time in my life (besides my family) , that reached out to me a year ago when I started reaching out on heart to heart (You all know her , Marie , we talk daily , and I love her so much) . And everywhere I go , I just Love , that is all I want to know today .............. And occasionally , like a dog who goes back to eat his own vomit , I fall . But never for long , and further and further apart , I say I am sorry to me , I get right back up into His love , love , no longer feel condemnation . Michelle and Eric and I have never got along so good for such a long period of time , its more then that , we have reached knew heights in pure enjoyable friendship never experienced before . Every thing in my life is a miracle today !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I have an peace and a faith in my heart today that Who has begun a good work in me will finish it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May His LOVE bypass any questions or doubt you may have , and become your only reason to live , for , there is nothing else , or greater , Amen !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!